Frequently Asked Questions
In this case the plaintiffs are the record labels and their affiliates and subsidiaries, otherwise known as the "Big Four." We are just their paid henchmen. We do whatever we can within our legal (not moral) means that are in our interest, and then say that it is in their interest.#
Isn't it the RIIAHA that is suing me? #
No. The Big Four who are in "The Family" know as Recording Industry Idiotic Ass Holes of America (RIIAHA), and the RIIAHA lets the members of the family find the next "opportunity" to support their dying business model. #
I am a hard working college student, trying to get an education so I can contribute to the GDP, to help raise my standard of living, and increase the share of educated people in the US. Why are you going after me? #
As it turns out, going after families, kids and grandmothers is bad PR. If we can go after individual college students who are notorious for using p2p applications, we save ourselves a little heat. Besides, your parents are most likely in a high income bracket, and they can bail you out. Targeting college students makes business sense. #
Why members of the Big Four trying to harm their potential customers? #
Well, with The Family faltering business of failing to offer a better experience to its customers, it has to find other legal means necessary to make money. Even though we know deep down inside that not every download is a lost sale, playing ignorant to this fact is better for our business. Not to mention ignoring some basic principle of economics that most college students such as yourself have discovered on your own, such as ignoring the economics of non-scarce goods. People that make music because they have a passion might do it for free, but far be it from us to recommend to our client that their artist and labels that make music for a living should make their experience better or take less money for it. There is no law saying that we have to do that. #
How did you get the evidence need for this lawsuit? #
We think we can get judges to believe that IP addresses are permanently attached to people. Don't test us. We have more money than you and we can make it true. #
Is this a case a criminal or civil matter? #
While we do not intent to make you feel like a criminal, what we are really doing is asking you for money because you have damaged our client's business as a civil matter. We know you would have spent your hard earned $20 on that Footloose Soundtrack on CD, but you decided to download it for free (well, we know you wouldn't, but here is out secret logic formal: (ignorance + laws) -logic = good business). And don't call it extorton, we prefer the word settlement. #
How do you think you can sew me when all you have is an IP address? #
Basically, we strong-arm your ISP into giving us the name associated with the IP address of a subscriber who we think is downloading our sacred content that we know you thought was worth $20. Did someone else used your computer or your connection? We need pin this on someone, and we picked you. And don't try to tell the judge we don't have good enough evidence and make us pay your lawyer fees. #.
Your bluffing. Your evidence is weak. #
Don't test us, you'll be sorry. #
What if I believe in sharing my internet connection over Wi-Fi? #
We will just argue that our internet henchmen are so good at what they do that we can tell the difference between your computer (and your intentions) and the computer accessing the sacred content over Wi-Fi. Besides, when it is a slow day here at RIIAHA headquarters, we can find someone with Wi-Fi and blame you, you can say it must have been someone on your open Wi-Fi, and we can say tough shit. #
If you think I am an offending downloader, can I settle before you sue me? #
We'll give you not one, but count `em, two chances to allow us extort you. Our first opportunity to extort you is when one of the Big Four's lawyers has our magical IP-to-persons evidence generator to extort your ISP to threaten you into letting us extort you. The second chance we get to extort you is when our goons extort your ISP into giving us your address and we send you a cute little extortion letter in the mail. So to sum it up, we scare you into calling us to give us money, then we send you a letter asking for money. #
How do I know the letter is really from you and not a scam artist? #
Call us! We'll chat! Give us all of your information: name, address, ISP, phone number, and your favorite music artists who's CD you have been intending to purchase. Our goons will then pour through all of their data to confirm or deny that you are on our extortion list. And if your not, you pretty much just turned yourself in anyway, and we have all of your info, so we'll just go after you. #
If you successfully extorted the innovative entrepreneurial, substantial Non-Infringing Use p2p application author, will you still extort me? #
Of course! It takes two to tango, as they say. #
Is it better for you if I let you extort me now, or after you have sent your goons? #
By all mean, you should wait! Our goons have much more fun ruffling people up than getting a check in the mail. Although, our goons do ask for more money when they have to go out and rough you up. Our goons do enjoy beating you up, and getting beat up could lead to serious physical harm to you. We would like that. #
How can I get you off my back, you assholes? #
Call us and make arrangement for a payment. We'll tell you to leave a suitcase contain the cash payment at a location we'll discuss in private. Come alone and unarmed or you'll be sorry. #
We just told you, you numbskull. However since you asked nicely this time, I'll be a little more flexible. We take a check or credit card. #
My mother is sick in the hospital, and I need this money to pay her bills. #
We don't give a fuck, even if she keels over and dies. But, ok, you can pay is a little at a time, but boy, are you gonna pay. #
Please don't tell mother. Like I said, she is very sick and cannot handle such stress. #
If you're a minor, we are gonna send our goons to her hospital bed and let her know what a bad little child you are, and we are gonna rough her up to until she coughs up the doe. If you are legal, we don't have to do that, will just break your legs instead, and when we do, we are gonna tell the Big Four your name. #
If I don't pay off you and your goons, will The Law come after me? #
Maybe. You'll need to read this. http://www.copyright.gov/title17/92chap5.html#504 #
Should I get protection against you? #
If you wanna pack heat, that's up to you. But when we come after you, we are going to have our guns blazing, that's for sure. #
What if I didn't know any better? #
Look, when The Law makes The Law, no matter how complicated it is for you, you better be paying attention. You know damn well for years we have been threading your type. You should know better than to fuck with us. #
I'll never cross you again, I swear! Honest! #
Tough shit. You're gonna pay for what you did to us. You disrespected The Big Four and the rest of the family who work hard to make music for you, you ungrateful little fuck. #
I'll delete all of the music I stole from you and the p2p software. Just, please, leave me and my family alone. #
Ha! Too late. Plus, if you do that, we gotta beat you some more because we don't know just how much you stole. So just to make sure you pay for what you did, you get an extra beating until you pay up (or can we?). #
Besides Podsafe Music, Creative Commons, and Jamendo, where can I find a list of music that you miserable fucks have nothing to do with? #
Just because I want you out of my hair, I'll let you know. You can go to riaaradar.com to find out how to leave us alone, keep you off our backs. And don't try to get any of that free music because we can't compete with that. We'll teach you to mess with us. #
How can I fund a war against you? #
I don't know why I am telling you this, but you can donate to the EFF and become a member at secure.eff.org/support. #
Currently, there are no laws against using the law to be an asshole. Lucky us, hu? Plus, the Big Four pay us well. We have more money and more lawyers to buy laws and ask The Law to do our bidding,and that make you're sorry little ass pay form music at whatever price The Family wants you to pay. #